How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
