So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
