Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
