you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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