I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize