i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
