Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
