remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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