I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
