11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
