why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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