You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
