When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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