3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
