I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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