Screwed.edu
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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