I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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