We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
