omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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