i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
