So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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