hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
