Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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