I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize