What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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