My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
