something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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