My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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