I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
