yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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