3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
