You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You pole danced in your parka.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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