All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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