If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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