It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
