You just made me feel so damn special
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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