What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
