his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
