I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
