i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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