I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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