Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
