OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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