If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
