if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize