I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
