the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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