My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
