dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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