I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
