dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
