I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When are your genitals available?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
