I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
