God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
