Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
