I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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