Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
