last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
