He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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