i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize