well I can't set my house on fire every night
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
