1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
